


dancing in my storm (says it was poison)

by okamiwind



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Drunk Sex, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-26 18:13:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19773682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okamiwind/pseuds/okamiwind
Summary: He’s always felt like too much. Like when he was born, whoever designed him put in too much love, didn’t have any room for anything else. He’s always been bursting at the seams with it, the affection threatening to leap forth. But he is always too much. Too much for everyone.





	dancing in my storm (says it was poison)

**Author's Note:**

> for tiana♡

He’s always felt like too much. Like when he was born, whoever designed him put in too much love, didn’t have any room for anything else. He’s always been bursting at the seams with it, the affection threatening to leap forth. But he is always too much. Too much for everyone. 

“This is why we can’t listen to so much Lorde at night,” Jongdae says, and he quickly switches the song, _Liability_ to _Green Light_. “You get so fucking emo.” 

Junmyeon stares at the ceiling, hands behind his head. He watches smoke billow up, listens for Jongdae’s resulting cough. They are too close. He only has male friends, but he keeps most of them at arm’s length. Only a few people know. Well, only a few people have _confirmation_. Jongdae is one of them, one with confirmation. 

Jongdae lies down next to Junmyeon on the floor, and he laces their fingers together as they stare up at the ceiling together. Jongdae has a tapestry pinned up there, and the colors swirl together, dark blue and violet and green. 

“You and that guy,” Jongdae says, too casual to be actually casual. “You seemed like you hit it off.” 

Junmyeon blinks, blinks again. 

“Hey,” Jongdae says. “It’s cool.” 

He squeezes Junmyeon’s hand in his, and Junmyeon shuts his eyes, lets his head spin. He’s too drunk for this. Much too drunk.  
  


⚔

The first time Junmyeon had sex, it was an awakening.

Junmyeon has always fallen in love easily, but he didn’t know it was wrong, not for a good long while. He was carefree. He was happy. He was in love since grade school, trailing after a taller boy with short brown hair, a dusting of freckles across his cheeks. His eyes were hazel, tended towards green in the sun, and Junmyeon would laugh at all his jokes, didn’t even care if they were funny or not. 

Through high school, they were in all the same classes, best friends, joined all the same clubs. Junmyeon didn’t particularly like soccer, but he joined anyway because he was in love. They were drama club together, and sometimes Junmyeon imagined being in the kissing scenes with him. Didn’t do anything about it. Just day-dreamed. 

After senior prom, there was a party in one of their hotel rooms, and there was a handle of blue raspberry flavored vodka called UV Blue that got passed around, little Capri Suns in each of their hands to chase away the horrible aftertaste. Junmyeon didn’t like to drink, didn’t like breaking the rules, but when _he_ handed the bottle over, grinning at Junmyeon like it was a secret that they could keep between just the two of them, Junmyeon drank. Drank. Drank.

They tumbled back through the halls after, after all the rest of them had either paired up or gone back to their own rooms. Their parents hadn’t minded them spending the night together. They were boys, after all. What trouble could they get up to? 

It wasn’t trouble. It was love. And Junmyeon’s head was spinning when he was pressed into the mattress, when _his_ lips pressed to Junmyeon’s for the first time. 

He thought maybe he was dreaming, maybe the boy with the sweaty hair falling into his hazel eyes and the coltish smile was just a figment of his imagination. Junmyeon did not know any better, only wanted desperately for it to be real, so he closed his eyes and _believed_ , let himself fall deep, deeply in love, embraced the boy and lost a little piece of himself in the process.  
  


⚔

Junmyeon is twenty-one years old, and he is in his third year of his nursing program. Jongdae is in that same program, and he is the one with connections.

“You should come,” Jongdae says, folding his legs up on Junmyeon’s bed. “You never know. You might even have fun.” 

“I won’t,” Junmyeon says. 

“That’s because you won’t _let_ yourself have fun.” Junmyeon turns and glares at him. “And clearly we’re not ready for that conversation.” 

Junmyeon continues to highlight lines in his photocopied textbook, _Maternal-Child Nursing Care: Optimizing Outcomes for Mothers_. 

“Why don’t you ever just, like, highlight in the book?” Jongdae asks. 

“Because I rented it, and it’s against the rental policy,” Junmyeon says boredly. 

“Yeah, but the book already has highlighting in it.” 

Junmyeon doesn’t know how to tell him that it is pathological now, that he has to stick by the rules, or else. Or else what? He doesn’t know. Just or else. 

He listens to Jongdae stand up from the bed, pad over, hook his chin over Junmyeon’s shoulder. 

“One night won’t kill you,” Jongdae says, and he strokes his hand through Junmyeon’s hair. “Please? As a personal favor to me?” 

He huffs. 

“I don’t even know these people. You know… you know how I get.” 

It is well known, between the two of them at least, that when Junmyeon gets uncomfortable, he drinks and drinks too much. 

“I’ll keep an eye on you,” Jongdae says. “Promise.”  
  


⚔

They go to a frat house, and Junmyeon already feels a bit uncomfortable when he walks in. It is a mess, the music is thumping, and Junmyeon needs a drink.

“Hey!” Jongdae says to some tall person standing in just a grey tank top and some neon yellow gym shorts. Jongdae grabs Junmyeon by the arm, drags him over. “Chanyeol, this is Junmyeon.” 

“Hey,” Chanyeol says, and he switches his can of Natural Light to his off-hand, sticks out his cold, damp one for Junmyeon to shake. “Nice to meet you.” 

“Yeah, uh, same,” Junmyeon says, looking around a little awkwardly. “Sorry, I don’t really—” 

“No, it’s cool, we accept all kinds here,” Chanyeol says, and that immediately puts Junmyeon on guard. 

He probably didn’t mean anything by it, right? He probably just meant, like, introverts, right? People can’t just _look_ at him and tell that he’s gay, right? They can’t just see right through him, right? 

Jongdae and Chanyeol fall into easy conversation, and Jongdae does not notice when Junmyeon wanders off to the corner to stand by himself. He always gets in the way at these things. Doesn’t ever want to be in the way. Doesn’t even really want to be noticed. 

But then, as luck would have it, he is noticed. 

Junmyeon feels a connection to the boy across the room as soon as he sees him, and that alone is troublesome. Junmyeon never lets that sort of connection occur. Or, when it inevitably happens because he is a waste of fucking space, he ignores it, ignores it until it goes away.

The boy is… tall. _Tall_ tall, not Baekhyun tall. But tall. He is dressed nicer than Chanyeol, though still relaxed and still with a can of Natural Light in his hand. His hair is pushed back off his forehead, he has big hands, and he has piercing eyes. 

Junmyeon is looking for too long. He looks away. 

But this is undeniable. And seemingly unforgettable. That’s too dangerous. That’s too… too something. 

Junmyeon walks away, threads his way through the humanity over to the coolers in the kitchen, and when he bends down to get a beer, his hand on the plastic top, another, larger hand covers his own. 

“O-Oh,” Junmyeon stutters, and when he looks up, he is looking at the boy from across the room, suddenly _not_ across the room, suddenly right in front of him, staring down at him. “S-Sorry, I—” 

“Just came to introduce myself,” he says before crushing his beer can in his other hand. “And for another beer, obviously.” 

He smiles, and it is awful. Terrible. Junmyeon sways towards him, and he hasn’t had a drop to drink. 

“Oh,” Junmyeon says. “Right, well…” Junmyeon steps to the side, slipping his hand out from beneath his. “Sorry.” 

He smirks as he leans down, dipping his hand down into the ice, passing a can to Junmyeon before fetching one for his own. 

“Sehun.” 

“O-Oh. Right, I’m… I’m Junmyeon, sorry, I…” 

“Jongdae’s friend, right?” Sehun asks, tilting his head to the side. “He’s mentioned you before.” 

Junmyeon’s mind goes a mile a minute, wondering what sort of shit Jongdae was saying about him. Jongdae knows it’s a secret. Junmyeon’s told him dozens of times. He would have never said anything, right? 

“Ah,” Junmyeon says awkwardly, and he pops the tab on his beer, immediately works his throat until half of it is drained. When he comes up for air, his eyes are watering, and he looks at Sehun who is looking at him. “S-Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare. Earlier, I mean.” 

“No, you’re good.” 

Junmyeon doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know if he wants to go back to Jongdae or what, but he just stands there, staring up at Sehun, staring up at his piercing eyes, trying to figure out what’s going on in his head. 

“You wanna go outside for a minute?” Sehun asks. “It’s kinda loud in here. Can’t really hear yourself think.” 

_A blessing_ , Junmyeon thinks. 

“Uh, sure,” Junmyeon says. 

Sehun smiles, and he turns, lets Junmyeon follow him again through the twisting maze of people until they are out back, standing on the little wooden deck. There is no one outside, the night is dark, dotted with stars. 

“It’s nice out, huh.” 

Junmyeon looks at Sehun, who is staring not at the stars, but at Junmyeon. 

“Yeah. It is.” 

Sehun smiles. “You’re a junior?” 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “You’re—” 

“Sophomore,” Sehun says. “Nineteen.” 

“Ah.” He struggles for something else to say, sips at his beer until he thinks of it. “What, uh, what major?” 

“Art,” Sehun answers. “And you’re… what was it, like, biology?” 

“Nursing,” Junmyeon says. 

Sehun snaps his fingers, like he tries to remember these things about people. 

“Saving lives,” Sehun says. “Very cool.” 

“Well, not yet.” 

Sehun laughs. 

“Eventually, maybe.” 

“Yeah, hopefully.” 

They stand there, looking at each other, and Sehun holds Junmyeon’s gaze as he lifts the beer to his lips, swallows thickly. Junmyeon wants to look down, look at the way his throat moves, but it would be the most damning thing he could do. So he doesn’t. Just stares straight into Sehun’s eyes. 

They drink mostly in silence, watching, and finally, Junmyeon decides he must do something. Get away from this before it becomes something he can’t escape from. 

“I should… I should get back,” Junmyeon says. “But it was nice meeting you.” 

“Yeah,” Sehun says. “Nice meeting you too.”  
  


⚔

The party screams on, and near the end, after he is definitely more relaxed, he finds Sehun again, this time, playing flip cup.

“Come on,” Sehun says cheerfully, clearly drunk, clearly enjoying himself. It makes a little streak of joy run through Junmyeon’s stomach. “Come be on my team. We need a fourth.” 

There are a bunch of guys that Junmyeon doesn’t know, and Junmyeon is too drunk for this shit, but when the game begins, Sehun is at his side, the closer, and Junmyeon tries his best to focus amidst all the cheering and all the noise. 

Distantly, when it is his turn to drain the cup and flip it, he can feel Sehun’s hand at his back, cheering his name. Junmyeon’s throat works easily, and he sets the cup on the edge of the table, flipping it. It is too excitable, tumbling over to the other side, but they have a good lead, so Junmyeon grabs the cup, sets it up again. 

“You got this,” Sehun says happily. “You got this!” 

Junmyeon flips it again, this time as deftly as he can manage, and it lands flat on the table with a satisfying _thip_ , so exciting that he hops up and down, turning to Sehun and clapping his hands. 

Sehun has the chance to win it, and he looks like he’s in a fucking movie, the way he moves. Time seems to slow when Junmyeon looks at him, like there are stars all around him, the music going heavy but soft, and this time, he watches as Sehun swallows, the rolling of his throat. He's drunk, so he lets himself think _what if, what if_. 

Sehun sets the cup on the edge of the table, flips it over easily, and the house erupts into cheers. Sehun raises his arms high above his head before shouting happily, turning to Junmyeon with the biggest smile on his face. 

He is radiant. He is everything. What a terrible thought. 

He picks Junmyeon up, arms around his waist, and Junmyeon hangs on for dear life as Sehun spins him in a circle. It is the happiest moment of Junmyeon’s life, he thinks, or close enough. He shuts his eyes, lets himself be lowered back to the ground by Sehun’s strong arms, and he makes himself detach, step back, smiling up at Sehun. 

“You’re coming back next week,” Sehun says, poking him in the shoulder. “You and me. Fuckin’ clutch.” 

Junmyeon’s heart… it dips and dives and is thoroughly dazzled by him.  
  


⚔

It all winds down after a while, and when Jongdae is ready to go, head on Chanyeol’s shoulder, Junmyeon stands, a little woozy himself. Sehun’s arm shoots out, and Junmyeon clings to it. Sehun’s warm. He’s really warm. Junmyeon likes that.

“I’ll walk you out, okay?” Sehun smiles. 

Junmyeon shouldn’t. He _shouldn’t_. He bites his lip, trying to stop the delighted little smile. 

“Kay.” 

Jongdae is singing a song from _Hair_ , screaming the harmony instead of the melody, and Junmyeon laughs, shaking, and Sehun holds him up on the way to the Uber. Chanyeol deposits Jongdae inside, and he waves at Sehun and Junmyeon as he stumbles back to the house. 

“Thanks,” Junmyeon says to Sehun. “I had a lot of fun.” 

Sehun’s smile is soft, soft like silk. 

“Me too. And hey,” Sehun says, and he gathers Junmyeon into his arms with purpose, with intention, “I don’t mean to be presumptuous, but if you’re ever looking for—” 

Junmyeon shoves back out of the embrace, looking at Sehun with horror. 

“What? I thought you were…,” Sehun says with an attractive little raise of his brow, whispering, “I mean, you are gay, right?” 

Junmyeon’s whole fucking body seizes up at the words. The fear, it is a riptide that grips him by the ankle, drags him under so fast that he gasps. 

Immediately, he turns, vomits up five cans of Natural Light, four shots of tequila, and his past. It is messy. Oh _God_ , is it messy.  
  


⚔

Junmyeon woke up in the hotel room the morning after with a splitting headache, his ass twinging with pain, the bed empty beside him.

He didn’t drink so much that he couldn’t remember. He could remember it all. The boy with his light brown hair, his freckles, his hazel eyes. The way he kissed Junmyeon. The way he shuddered when he came. The way he confessed to Junmyeon. _I always liked you_ , he said. _You’re so cute_ , he said. 

The pain was worth it, he decided, shifting happily in the sheets. He wasn’t a virgin any longer, and… and miraculously, everything had worked out. 

The door to the ensuite opened, and Junmyeon sat up in bed, clutching the sheets to his chest, smiling. 

“Hi,” he said shyly. 

“Hi,” the boy said. “Sorry, I… needed to get a shower.” 

He laughed weakly, uncomfortably, and Junmyeon supposed that was normal. He returned the laugh, tried to ease the tension. 

“No, yeah,” Junmyeon said. “I should… I should probably get one too. I’m gross.” 

The boy dropped his towel, and Junmyeon looked at his naked body. The boy then dressed, sliding up his boxers, his sweats. Junmyeon watched him, wondered what it meant for them. What the night before would yield in the light of morning. 

But the boy said nothing, ignored Junmyeon as he gathered his things. Junmyeon tried to think of something to say. Tried to recall all the sweet words the boy had whispered in his ear. The boy picked up his bag, paused at the door as Junmyeon’s face fell. 

“I think… I think we should just forget this ever happened,” the boy said. “Obviously last night… last night was a mistake. I mean, I’m not gay, you know? I think I was just… just like, really drunk or whatever.” 

He ended it with a little laugh, his smile so beautiful. So beautiful and terrible. 

“Y-Yeah,” Junmyeon said, a little smile on his face too. He tried like hell to keep his voice steady, even as his heart broke in two, three, four thousand pieces. “Yeah, me too.” 

“Would you mind if you didn’t tell anyone?” the boy asked. He shifted, foot to foot. “I would really appreciate it. I just—” 

“No,” Junmyeon said, blinking back his tears as quickly as he could, shaking his head, “yeah, no, I won’t tell anyone.” 

“Do you swear? I… I can’t have that kind of thing getting out about me. You get it, right?” 

“Y-Yeah,” Junmyeon said, throat croaking. “I get it. I swear.” 

The boy smiled, pulled his back pack up onto his shoulder. 

“Thanks, man,” he said. “I owe you one. It was... it was fun.”  
  


⚔

He wakes up in Jongdae’s bedroom, and there is no one there besides him. Jongdae calls not long after he has gotten up, ready to head back home, and Junmyeon thinks about ignoring it.

“Hello?” 

“I’m just about dead,” Jongdae groan. “But don’t leave yet. I just ran out to get some supplies.” 

“ _Jongdae_.” 

“I got coffee.” 

Junmyeon goes silent. 

“See you soon, angel!” Jongdae says, hanging up the phone.  
  


⚔

They sit at Jongdae’s little coffee table with their coffee cups and their bagel sandwiches, and they refuel on caffeine and grease, and Jongdae doesn’t make him talk until he decides it’s time to talk.

“So,” Jongdae says, “you and Sehun, huh?” 

“I really don’t wanna talk about it,” Junmyeon says. 

“Just saying. You throw up on a man’s rose bush, that seems like a pretty big step in your relationship.” 

Junmyeon shoves his shoulder into Jongdae’s, almost hard enough to make his coffee spill. 

“God, _watch it_!” Jongdae shouts. “Seriously, though, you looked, like, happy.” 

“Don’t start.” 

Jongdae doesn’t say anything else, doesn’t start, but he does eat his bacon, egg, and cheese in a particularly judgy way, which is annoying in its own unique way.  
  


⚔

Next Friday, after a particularly hard day at his clinical, Jongdae calls him, invites him to the frat again. It is stupid, and he will not be attending. He tells himself this over and over again.

Stupidly, he goes with Jongdae, but this party is calmer than the first. Lots of the same guys, lots of the same activities, just a little more… pared down. A little more chill. 

Jongdae sticks close to Junmyeon the whole time because that was one of the conditions of Junmyeon coming, and even though Sehun watches him closely, he doesn’t approach. 

At least, he doesn’t approach until Junmyeon goes to the kitchen. 

He is standing at the refrigerator, cup under the spigot of the Franzia, when Sehun appears by the door. 

“Would you, uh, would you mind coming out back with me?” Sehun asks. 

Junmyeon follows him, both hands tight around his red Solo cup of rosé, and he stands there awkwardly, trying not to show how uncomfortable he is. 

“Listen, I… I know I said something out of line last time,” Sehun says, rubbing the back of his neck. “And I wanted to apologize. I… I didn’t know it would upset you so much, and I realize I should have been more careful about… about all that.” 

Junmyeon wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t an apology, certainly not one so… so sweet? He doesn’t know how to handle it, and he— 

“N-No, I… it’s okay, you… you don’t have to be sorry,” Junmyeon stutters. “I’m sorry, I’m just… I am gay.” 

The confession tumbles out, and his eyes must go wide, because Sehun’s do too. 

“O-Oh,” Sehun says. “Oh, so…”

“I just… I don’t really like to talk about it?” Junmyeon says, voice shaking. “I’m sorry, I know that’s stupid, but I just—” 

“It’s not stupid.” He steps back, gives Junmyeon space. “It’s, like, hard sometimes. Everyone’s different. But still, apology stands. I shouldn’t have put you in that position.” 

He pats Junmyeon on the shoulder. 

“Could, uh, could we be friends, maybe?” Sehun asks. “I won’t be weird, promise.” 

Sehun smiles brightly, like someone who’s never been hurt before, and Junmyeon wants to cup him with his hands, protect that light around him. Junmyeon wants to say _you’re not the weird one,_ I’m _the weird one._

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says, hands shaking. “I would really like that.” 

“Good. Me too.”  
  


⚔

He starts going over more which he knows he should stop. It’s a slippery slope. Something about the way Sehun looks at him, like he’s up for the challenge… Junmyeon looks away. Always looks away.

They do become friends, and the frat becomes more of a background for his weekends than Junmyeon would have ever thought possible. They keep up on their work, but when the time comes to chill, they do it there. 

It takes a while for Junmyeon to relax around Sehun, but their conversations help. They talk about anything and everything, and eventually, sitting in the grass in the backyard, Junmyeon tells him about that night. About the boy with the hazel eyes. 

“Jesus Christ,” Sehun says. “That’s fucking _awful_.” 

“Yeah.” 

“I mean, what the fuck?” Sehun says. “You still know this guy?” 

“Yeah, I still know him,” Junmyeon says, smiles. “We’re friends on Facebook.” 

“Oh, _fuck this guy_ ,” Sehun says, and he tries to grab for Junmyeon’s phone. “Let me doxx him. Come on. Let me doxx him. I wanna _doxx him_ , Junmyeon. Let me do it.” 

He whines cutely, and Junmyeon laughs, giggles. He doesn’t remember ever feeling so light. Not once since that night. 

“I know this is… I mean, I know it doesn’t help,” Sehun says, voice so low it’s almost a whisper, “but just know… that guy was a fucking asshole. And I know that doesn’t, like, erase shit, but… there are people out there who like you. Who would like you if they got the chance. If you let them.” 

Junmyeon looks at Sehun’s mouth, looks back up into his piercing eyes, and he leans forward, there underneath the Spring stars, and he presses his lips to Sehun’s. 

It lasts for a second, maybe less, and then Junmyeon pulls back. What did he just do? What did he just _do?_

“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon says, shaking his head. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I just…. did that, I’m such a fucking idiot, I—”

Sehun pulls Junmyeon into a hug, crushes all the words out of him. 

“Hey,” Sehun smiles with a shrug of his shoulders. “No worries. But just know… offer’s still on the table. I know it makes you a little uncomfortable, but if you’re looking to… to try.” 

The possibility is terrifying, beautiful, and undeniable.  
  


⚔

The night that he finally goes to Sehun’s bedroom, he worries that he is making a mistake. In fact, he _knows_ he is making a mistake. He trusts Sehun, but things never end up well for him. Never. Not even with someone like Sehun.

“Hey,” Sehun says, hands on the side of Junmyeon’s face. “It’s cool. We can just kiss if you want.” 

That’s not what he wants though. He came… he came with an intention. 

He kisses Sehun lewdly, slips his tongue into Sehun’s mouth until he gets the picture. Sehun holds him by the small of his back, a hand at the back of his neck, and Junmyeon goes onto his tiptoes to kiss him, tries not to push away, tries not to struggle. He wants this. He does. He can have this. He can let himself have it. 

Their clothes fall away, all of Sehun’s and most of Junmyeon’s too, and when Sehun lays back onto the bed, Junmyeon has a momentary panic attack. They haven’t discussed this in enough detail. He hasn’t laid out the terms of the agreement. 

“Are you all right?” Sehun asks. 

“I don’t, uh, I don’t want to…,” he trails off, hoping that Sehun gets it without him having to spell it out. 

Sehun sits up a bit, his elbows underneath him. 

“Don’t want to what?” He tilts head to the side. “Don’t want to have sex?” 

It’s a little game he plays with himself called _how gay is too gay_. Kissing, okay, kissing is one thing. You can kiss anyone. Kissing isn’t bad. Plenty of guys kiss each other when they’re drunk, or they want to make someone laugh. Holding hands, that’s whatever. He could get away with that too. Handjobs, he could maybe excuse a handjob. A mistake. He must have been too pent up. 

This is something else. Sleeping with Sehun. It will have been the first time since the first time. 

“N-No, no, I do,” Junmyeon says, and saying it feels wrong, simultaneously so right. “I really do.” 

Sehun shoots him a little closed-mouth smile, his foot grazing along the front of Junmyeon’s underwear teasingly. 

“Don’t want to _what_ , then?” Sehun asks. “Be specific with me.” 

“I can’t… I can’t bottom.” He looks down at his hands. “I’m, like, sorry, it’s like, a thing for me.” 

“Okay?” Sehun laughs a little when he says it. Junmyeon flicks his eyes up just to see Sehun sit back up straight, hands reaching out to take Junmyeon’s. “I mean, again, we don’t even have to get that far, if you don’t want.” 

“I want to,” Junmyeon says, and he watches the way Sehun’s fingers play with his own, light, gentle. “I… I’m sorry, I know this is fucking stupid, I _know_ it’s stupid, I just—” 

“Hey.” It is so soft, but so determined, and Junmyeon looks into his deep, beautiful eyes. “It’s not stupid. It’s hard. I know it’s hard.” 

“Y-Yeah,” Junmyeon says, voice so weary that he can feel the tears coming. “Sorry.” 

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Sehun says. “Unless you’re gonna stop kissing me.” 

_No_ , Junmyeon thinks. _Never._

Already, he is tied up in the weeds of this, unable to shake himself loose, but he doesn’t care, he _doesn’t care anymore_. 

"I'm sorry," he says again, hands on Sehun’s thighs. “I’m sorry I’m so weird about this.” 

"Stop apologizing," Sehun laughs. "You apologize anymore, and I'm gonna have to suck your dick." 

A shoot of arousal, undeniable arousal bolts through Junmyeon's stomach. He's thought about it. He's pretended that he wasn't thinking it, but he was thinking it. Sehun's mouth wrapped around him, the gentle hum of his moans reverberating through Junmyeon's body. He can't seem to... can't seem to stop himself when it's Sehun. Can't seem to get away from this. He's always managed before, whenever he had a crush. Not this time, though. Not this time. 

Maybe he just needs it once. Needs to get it out of his system. 

Sehun takes Junmyeon's face in his hands, kisses him softly, sweetly, and _God_ , Junmyeon thinks, _don't do it that way. Don't kiss me like you could fall in love with me. Like we could ever be together._

"Whatever you want," Sehun says, and he knocks his forehead against Junmyeon's slightly. "You can have it tonight." 

It takes a moment, then a moment more, for the words to sink in. 

_Tonight_ , he thinks. _If I only have it once, at least I'll have had it at all, so let's pretend like we're in love, like we'll be together forever._

Junmyeon looks into Sehun's eyes with hope, and he kisses him firmly, lays Sehun's body back down to the bed gently. He runs deliberate hands up Sehun's sides, watches the way he reacts. He is sensitive, and it is sweet. He thumbs at Sehun's nipples as they kiss, as he rubs himself against Sehun, and Sehun twitches, moans brokenly into Junmyeon's mouth. 

Junmyeon swallows it like a slut, and he lets himself go. He lets it all go. Goes wanton, goes wild. 

He grinds against Sehun, grinds their bodies together until they are screeching like metal on metal, hot and bright. He strips off his underwear, and the feeling of skin against skin is like nothing he's ever felt before. Surely, it couldn't have felt this good last time. If it did, he doesn't know that he would have been able to deny himself for so long. 

They kiss, and Junmyeon bites Sehun's lips, makes him cry out in pleasure-pain. Junmyeon licks them when he's through, gentle, soft, and he is so close just from this. Just from this alone. It is warm, so warm. He thinks he might be running a fever. 

"What do you want?" Sehun asks. "What do you wanna do to me?" 

_I want to suck your cock until you come down my throat. I want to eat your ass until you are face down in the sheets, whimpering and crying for mercy. I want to bring you to the edge of orgasm so many times that you can't remember how to say anything except for my name. I want to fuck you so hard that I forget how much I hate myself._

"Everything," Junmyeon settles on. 

Sehun grins as he rolls Junmyeon over onto his back, sucking a mark to Junmyeon's throat. 

"I'll bottom," Sehun mumbles, the vibrations along Junmyeon's skin wicked, delicious. "If you want to fuck me. You don’t have to, but if you want to." 

Junmyeon can't find the words, maybe won't let himself find them, so he only nods, going tense when Sehun leans across the bed to reach into the bedside table. 

He lays the bottle down, the condom set on Junmyeon's stomach. He stares down at it like it's a fucking Rubik's cube. 

"I've never actually... God, it sounds so pitiful to say it out loud," Junmyeon laughs. "I've never actually put one on." 

Sehun smiles at him mischievously, biting his bottom lip as he picks the foil packet back up, tearing it quickly.

"Do you do this a lot?" Junmyeon asks, watching as Sehun's hand rolls the condom on deftly. "Sorry, that... that probably sounded rude." 

Sehun laughs, says, "No, you're right. I've had a lot of practice." 

_What's that like? What's it like to be free like that?_ Junmyeon wants to ask, but if one night in Sehun's bed is all he gets, if one night with his ear pressed to Sehun's beating heart is as close as he gets to true freedom, then he will take it greedily. 

Sehun grabs the bottle of lube from where it rests next to Junmyeon's body, and he uses the pump to slick his way along Junmyeon's cock before then reaching back and fingering himself quickly. He is efficient as he preps himself, and Junmyeon just stares, watches the way he moves, not giving much away. For a minute, Junmyeon thinks that Sehun is going to climb into his lap, straddle him, sink down onto him, and in some part of himself, Junmyeon wants it, wants to take it, wants to be held down and used like a little fucking toy, a good little boy only good for one thing. 

But Sehun looks at him curiously, studies him, looks through him like he's made of glass, and then, without a word, he lays his body down beside Junmyeon's, pulling him on top. 

"Is this okay?" Sehun whispers, hitching his legs up, making room for Junmyeon between them. "You can go as fast or as slow as you want." 

Junmyeon shuts his eyes, squeezes them so hard he sees stars. 

"I don't want this to... like, I don't want it to be only about me," Junmyeon says. "I want you to enjoy it too." 

Sehun reaches down between his legs, pumps a couple wet fingers inside himself before withdrawing them, taking one of Junmyeon's hands in his. 

"Okay. Will you touch me?" Sehun asks, gently dragging Junmyeon's hand where he wants it. "Here?" 

Sehun's skin is soft, and he is terribly tempting, sin itself, and Junmyeon can't resist. He's already accepted his fate. He is filthy, he is dirty, he is ready to drown in Sehun. Cover himself with Sehun. Be soaked down to the fucking bone. 

Junmyeon grabs the lube before he loses his nerve, pumps a little pool of it onto two fingers, and then pets them along Sehun's hole. 

Junmyeon watches him bite his lip like any more noise might scare Junmyeon away. It won't. Not now. He tries to steady his shaking hand as he slips a finger inside Sehun, and it is the first time that he's ever been inside anyone, put anything inside anyone. It is a strange feeling, tight and hot, hot like blood. Already wet, thanks to Sehun, and already a bit relaxed. 

"Mm," Sehun moans, and he spreads his legs a little more. "Two." 

Junmyeon does as he's told, slips another finger inside him, pumps them in slowly. 

"God," Sehun says. "Fuck." 

Junmyeon can't tell if it's for effect or not, but if it's meant to arouse him, it certainly does its job. He can't fucking breathe through all the lust in his lungs, and he works up a steady pace as he fucks Sehun with his fingers. 

He starts to search for Sehun's prostate because he wants to make it good. When he finds it, rubbing the pad of his finger against it, Sehun's legs quake, a sharp, high moan sitting on his lips. Sehun licks it away, works his hips against it, body gleaming with sweat, and God, he looks like a fucking wet dream. Junmyeon feels his cock pulse, a weak little shot of pre-come pumping out at the mere sight. 

Redoubling his efforts, he leans down, mouth against Sehun's balls as he fingers him. He starts to work his fingers in a milking sort of way, petting towards himself, and Sehun's hands scramble for purchase on the bed as Junmyeon licks, sucks gently at the thin, sensitive skin. 

"F-Fuck," Sehun says, and it shatters out of him, a mirror breaking, and suddenly, there is nothing more that Junmyeon wants than to see Sehun come, to see him break apart. 

Junmyeon sits up, starts to suck at the head of Sehun's cock, and Sehun quickly rocks his hips backwards, the slick tip of his cock slipping against Junmyeon's lips. 

" _Jesus_ ," Sehun laughs. "You're gonna make me come." 

"Come then," Junmyeon says, and he starts to pull at his cock, rough, rude. "Do you wanna come?" 

Sehun seems to struggle over the answer, like he is halfway between yes and no, but when Junmyeon leans back down, mouthing at Sehun's thighs as he strokes his fingers along Sehun's prostate, Sehun's body answers for him. 

He comes, streaking hot and white over his stomach, and Junmyeon is mesmerized by the sight, the sound. Nothing has ever been hotter. He's never felt sexier, never felt.... more accepted. More in line with someone else. _This has to be special_ , he thinks. _Right?_

That thought... that scares him more than anything else in the world. 

"So, yeah, I think I'll like it," Sehun grins, and he hooks his ankles around the small of Junmyeon's back. 

"W—But you already came," Junmyeon says, moaning sharply as Sehun wraps a hand around Junmyeon's cock, positions the head of it at his hole. 

"Come on, you've already got the condom on. It'd be a shame not to use it, right?" 

Junmyeon sinks into Sehun's body, into the warm clutch of him, and he feels distantly as though he has found his way home.  
  


⚔

Junmyeon doesn’t know how to treat Sehun after they’ve had sex, but Sehun handles it well enough for both of them.

“Boys are all getting pizza tonight,” Sehun says over the phone, voice cheery like they’re totally fine. Like nothing even happened. It puts the fear of God in him. “You wanna come?” 

“I… I dunno, I don’t wanna intrude or anything,” Junmyeon says. 

“You’re not intruding,” Sehun says, and then he whines. “ _Come._ ” 

Junmyeon is helpless to that, so he goes. They go to a little campus place that does the best homemade pies in the city, and they sit in the little plastic booths. Sehun sits close to him, their thighs resting against each other’s. His arm rests along the back of the booth while they wait for their food, and as time goes on, as they make their way through three pitchers of beer, the arm slips and falls onto Junmyeon’s shoulder. 

The pizza is delicious, greasy and terrible for you, but Junmyeon dabs the oil away with a napkin, which several of the boys make fun of him for. Altogether, it is a very good night, and on the walk home, Sehun hangs towards the back of the group with him, slips his hand into Junmyeon’s. 

Junmyeon tenses up all over, looks up at Sehun. 

“Too much?” 

Junmyeon looks around. There is no one there, no one but the brothers and Jongdae, but— 

“Hey,” Sehun whispers. “Just wanted to make sure you didn’t think I forgot about you.” 

He slips his hand back out of Junmyeon’s with a wink, and that wink carries a promise.  
  


⚔

They fall into bed again and again.

“Please,” Junmyeon says, fingers digging bruises into Sehun’s hips, “please.” 

Sehun is bouncing in his lap, and everytime he seats himself fully on Junmyeon’s cock, his body squeezes Junmyeon like a vice grip. He is torturing Junmyeon, drawing out the inevitable to the point of desperation. 

Sweat sits on Sehun’s skin, sparkles along him, and Junmyeon plants his feet on the bed, starts to thrust up into his body, into his perfect, perfect body. 

Sehun throws his head back, moans, and when he puts his hands on Junmyeon’s pectorals, rides Junmyeon’s thrusts as he smiles down at him. 

“Come on,” Sehun says. “Come for me.” 

Junmyeon starts to lose control, breaking all of his little rules one by one just for Sehun.  
  


⚔

The semester starts to wind down, and it becomes more and more difficult to make time to see each other. When finals are on, the frat has nightly relaxation sessions with chamomile tea and knitted blankets. Junmyeon wanders in after he’s finished his last one in the hopes that he will find Sehun there.

Instead, he finds Jongdae, wrapped in Chanyeol’s arms on the couch. 

“Oh,” Jongdae says sleepily. “Hey.” 

“Hey,” Junmyeon says. “Sorry, I…” 

“He should be home in about,” and Chanyeol checks his watch, “five minutes. You picked a good time.” 

“I’m all finished,” Junmyeon smiles weakly. “Time to celebrate.” 

“Yay,” Jongdae cheers weakly before yawning. “Sorry, I’m so sleepy. I’m gonna head to bed.” 

“Okay,” Junmyeon says, and he watches, vaguely longing for the way Chanyeol pulls him to his feet, pushes him off towards the stairs. 

Chanyeol looks between them both, then says, “Meet you up there, babe.” 

“Ugh,” Jongdae groans. “Make it quick.” 

He trudges up the stairs, leaves them alone. 

“I don’t want this to be, like, a _Godfather_ thing,” Chanyeol says. 

“Yes, you do,” Junmyeon smiles. 

“I’m just saying,” Chanyeol says, holding up his hand, “don’t hurt him, okay? He’s a good guy. And, like, it is obvious how much he likes you, my dude.” 

Chanyeol turns, waves back over his shoulder, leaving Junmyeon shell-shocked. 

“Night!” he calls, and he follows where Jongdae led. 

Junmyeon waits on the couch with his head in his hands for Sehun to return, but when he does, he stands up, goes to him. 

“Hey,” Sehun says, and he rests his head on Junmyeon’s. “Didn’t expect to see you here tonight.” 

“No,” Junmyeon says. “Me neither.” 

They go upstairs together, and they strip themselves down, but when Junmyeon reaches down to touch Sehun, Sehun holds him by the wrist. 

“Could we just cuddle tonight?” he asks. 

“Y-Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “Yeah, of course.” 

Sehun turns onto his side, folds himself small, and Junmyeon huddles up closely behind him, holds him tightly, tries to make that say all the things he couldn’t ever say.  
  


⚔

It comes to a head.

Sehun comes to help Junmyeon pack up his shit, and at the end, they eat Junmyeon’s fridge clean. They lay on the floor, resting right next to each other. Junmyeon kisses Sehun on the cheek, happy, but then, Sehun sits up, stares down at him. 

“Can I come see you this summer?” 

Junmyeon hesitates, sits up. 

“What?” Sehun says. “Is that… what, is that too gay?” 

Junmyeon flinches because it is the first time that he thinks Sehun means to hurt him. It wasn’t in the way Junmyeon expected, but it does hurt. 

“Sorry,” Sehun says. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just… you gotta know that I want more than this. That I want you. All of you. And I’m sorry. I know that puts you in a weird position, but I… God, I don’t know. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay.” He nudges Sehun’s hand with his. “You just… I just don’t know if I’m ready for any of this.” 

“Please,” Sehun says. “Just one chance. I swear. Just give me one chance.” 

“I… I can’t,” Junmyeon says. “I really don’t think I can.” 

“Please,” Sehun begs. “You don’t get how much I like you.” 

It is simultaneously the best and worst thing he could say at that moment because he pulls the tears from Junmyeon’s eyes just with his words, just with his sincerity. 

“Just one try,” Sehun says. “Please, I… I swear I’ll keep it a secret if you want. I won’t tell _anyone_. Junmyeon, I’ve just… I think I… _really_ like you.” 

He says it in a way that means _I think I love you_ , and Junmyeon can see in Sehun the fear he feels on a daily basis, that he’s felt for so long now. Terrified of wanting what you want. But this time… Junmyeon is the one who is causing the fear. He doesn’t want any part in that. Not one little bit. 

“I… I like you too,” Junmyeon says, says it before he force himself not to say it. “I do. And I’m sorry I’ve been so… that I’ve been jerking you around like this. Sehun, I’m really sorry.” 

“If you’re sorry, then stop,” Sehun says, petulant, babyish. “If you like me, then let’s… I don’t know, I don’t wanna be corny, but we should give it a shot. Shouldn’t we?”  
  


⚔

They text all day long, and they call each other every night. The distance actually seems to help matters in the very beginning. The little bit of space, it gives them both time to adjust.

Sehun visits Junmyeon in the summer, and they call each other boyfriend. Privately at first, as they wear the relationship in like a new pair of shoes. 

He stays in Junmyeon’s room for the week he visits, and they touch each other silently, under the cover of the night, but Junmyeon has never felt more alive, never felt more true. 

They hide under the covers, and they stare at each other, their eyes accustomed to the dark. 

“I love you,” Sehun confesses. “Is that weird?” 

“No,” Junmyeon says. “It’s not weird. I love you too.”  
  


⚔

It is not easy. It does not occur overnight. He still has bad days. Really bad days. And sometimes, Sehun gets impatient. Junmyeon does not blame him, of course.

Junmyeon visits Sehun in July, and Sehun’s family accepts them openly. They’ve talked about Junmyeon possibly coming out to his parents. He isn’t ready for that yet, but Sehun was encouraging. _Take your time_ , he said. _But this can be your trial run for being out. If you want._

It is nice, he must admit. Sitting around the table. Talking normally. Just… everyone on the same page. No secrets. No pretending. Junmyeon thinks it’s nice. Maybe someday. Maybe someday soon. Who knows? 

They play Scrabble, and Junmyeon wipes the floor with them. He gets 78 points for maximize, and they all groan. 

Sehun’s parents say goodnight, and his mother tells them “No funny business!” with a little wry grin. Sehun squeezes Junmyeon’s thigh. 

They brush their teeth, hips bumping against each other, and Sehun spits first, Junmyeon second. 

“Sorry,” Sehun says, holding up the blankets for Junmyeon to get underneath. “I know that’s sort of…” 

He slips beside Junmyeon, huddles behind him, their bodies making a line. It has taken a while for them to get to this point. For that to become… natural. To become good. 

“No,” Junmyeon says. “It was okay. It was… it was funny.” 

“Yeah?” 

Junmyeon leans forward. Kisses him. 

“Yeah.”  
  


⚔

They are walking through the supermarket, and when Sehun reaches out thoughtlessly to tangle their free hands together, Junmyeon recoils like he’s been burned. It is silly. The aisle is empty. There is no one around, and no one would care. But… but…

Sehun sighs a bit, rejected, and he walks ahead, long legs carrying him off. And Junmyeon immediately scrambles forward, feeling like he’s about one second away from losing him. He always feels about one second away from losing him. Like one thing is gonna slip out, and that’s gonna be it for them. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, and Sehun turns. The sight of his face is so much. “I’m sorry, I’m trying, I swear, I’m—” 

“Stop, stop,” Sehun says, and he smiles gently, charming and boxy as always, beautiful and terrible because it is so very perfect, so very him. “It’s okay, it’s my fault, I was just… I just wish it was easier for you.” 

Junmyeon tries to hold back the tears that jump to his eyes, overwhelmed by the emotion. _I wish it was easier for me too. I wish I was like you. I wish I could give you all the love you deserve. All the love I have inside of me._ He braces his hands on the handles of the shopping basket, squeezes so tightly that he watches as all the little veins in his hands pop out, blue and blue. 

Big arms, strong arms wrap him up, and it is a cold comfort now. He is fucked. He is fucked up. Sehun deserves better. He does. 

“Hey,” he whispers. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I don’t wanna… I don’t mean to upset you. And I didn’t… I shouldn’t have walked away. I’m sorry. I really am.” 

He is always making Sehun apologize for this shit, and Sehun shouldn’t have to. Because eventually Sehun will tire of it. He will become exhausted by Junmyeon’s need to be treated carefully, by having to second guess every time he wants to kiss Junmyeon or hold his hand publicly. 

“Don’t be sorry anymore,” Junmyeon says. “We’re okay. It’s… it’s getting better, right? I’m… I’m getting better at it?” 

“Yeah,” Sehun says with a smile. “Getting easier day by day.”  
  


⚔

On their last night together before Sehun has to drop him off at the airport, they get Taco Bell, and it is disgusting but it’s a good metaphor, Junmyeon thinks. Good metaphor for himself. Trash and also garbage.

“Shut up,” Sehun laughs. “You’re such an idiot.”

Junmyeon used to hear stuff like that, little playful insults, and he always would take them to heart. There were barbs on the words, and no matter how sanded down by friendship, he would let them stick into his flesh.

Sehun’s words, they don’t stick into him. They stroke along his skin. Kind. Sweet.

“A little,” Junmyeon says, but he doesn’t mind being a little bit of an idiot. He’s got people who love him. He’s got a great guy who loves him. “You’re a little bit of an idiot too, though.”

“Yeah,” Sehun agrees. He leans across the console to kiss Junmyeon, he tastes like nacho cheese, a guilty pleasure of Junmyeon’s.

They kiss, kiss, kiss, and day by day, month by month, it gets easier. Every little minute with Sehun, it gets easier.  
  


⚔

In the fall, he is a fixture at the house, and his spot on the couch is always right next to Sehun.

"Oh my god," Jongdae says as Sehun lays his head on Junmyeon's shoulder. "Give it a rest, lovebirds."

"Like I didn't _literally_ find you and Chanyeol sucking dick in the laundry room," Sehun says.

"That's because you don't observe the sock signs!" Chanyeol calls.

He is in the kitchen, making hot toddies, and Junmyeon wraps his arms around Sehun, comfortable with this now. There are plenty of people in the room, Baekhyun and Jongin and Yixing and the rest, and he is still comfortable. Still fine.

He isn't perfect. They aren't perfect. But they're close enough.

"Will you stay the night?" Sehun asks, kissing Junmyeon's cheek.

"As long as you have the room," Junmyeon whispers.

"You kidding? I always got plenty of room for you, baby."

**Author's Note:**

> i started this approximately 10 hours ago so please be ,,,, gentle 
> 
> anyway, love u baby hope u enjoyed
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/okamiwind) | [my curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/okamiwind)


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